In my Nothing
by inane-rational
Summary: Revised story based on And all That Could Have Been by NIN. Roy find comfort in his lover's death. RoyEd and character death


A/N: Revision of a songfic, which is now not a songfic.

Disclaimer: I hereby state, that I am in no way connected to the ownership of FullmetalAlchemist.

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All the lights in the house were off, he didn't want to turn them on with the funeral only being hours before. It was a sombre grieving of death. The winds brought a chill to the air, but many people came. There were those that gave their respects, those that were close and truly cared for the deceased, and there were those that went because it was expected of them.

Roy wondered which person he was. He had gone because people would have expected him to be there - being there made him wish even more for a closed casket. Roy had gone out of respect and out of the sheer want to see him again. Roy's feelings towards the deceased is what made him not want to go as well.

In the darkness of the living room, Edward sat on the couch. He could see the details on the room even with the curtains closed. Roy's eyes were now used to the darkness he enveloped himself in. He watched the boy stare at him expectantly, his hands trying to find reality from the smooth cold surface of his glass cup. Roy stares back at Ed, challenging him to take the step and make the first move. None of their verbal sparring could uphold _this_ intensity.

Roy is the first to break though, setting down his empty glass of alcohol onto the stand beside his chair. Taking his first deep breath since that first phone call, Roy moved to stand and awkwardly walk to Edward, his hands out and stretching to Edward. Daring to find some peace in what he could see.

Roy should have seen.

"I should have trusted you more." Roy finds himself at Edward's feet, drunk and unwilling to uphold himself. The alcohol circulated through him and he felt warm all over. Roy hated that warmth; it shouldn't be there because it was too comforting. Simultaneously, Roy wanted that warmth. There could still be something left for him, even after the death of his lover. He feared death. Roy could say how he wanted to die – couldn't live on - and it would never be true. A momentary thought crossed his mind, and he thought he was being morbid. Did Edward fear death?

Arms slid around him, making Roy become the victim of his own memories. He could feel their skins moving against each other, the flow of breathe coming out as gasps and pants, and that ethereal moment at the peak together. He gritted his teeth together, unwilling to cry. "I should have trusted you more." Roy hugs Edward closer to him. Like his out stretching hand from before, he wanted to find peace in this embrace.

"It won't work." Those were Edward's words, and it thrusts into Roy. A painful truth. "I told you it wouldn't work - from the beginning."

Roy shakes it head repeating his last sentence, as though the admittance of their missing trust in each other would keep everything intact. As thought it was the reason itself. Edward runs his hand in Roy hair. "We're both sinners. Are you saying we can't find comfort in each others sins?" He knew he was running off on a completely different tangent, and he didn't care. Edward was here and talking to him, and he wanted to talk to Edward.

Edward laughed. There was gentleness, but it was still that mocking laughter that was in every verbal spar. "Your not making any sense. Is that actually suppose to mean anything? Our sins had nothing to do with us, not really."

"Why did you…I told you. You should have left me." Roy is choking to breath.

"That sounds vaguely familiar." Again the mocking tone and Roy could feel as though this was normal. Ed was angry with him. "Quite saying that - first in bed, then _there_."

Roy didn't say anything, didn't even move from his position. The alcohol was forgotten, because for the moment he could find peace in a meaningless interaction. "Sorry." He felt idiotic saying it - there wasn't a point.

There was silence, before Edward spoke his worries. "Will you be alright Roy?"

He wanted to laugh then and there. Only in his mind, would Edward ever call him Roy. The boy had never got rid of the habit of calling him Colonel or Mustang. At times, Roy had thought Edward called him Colonel on purpose after his promotions.

"Will I be alright?" Roy gives a painful laugh, shaking his head.

"Will you live then?" Edward's voice sounded so sincere, Roy wondered if this was how he had actually seen the boy.

"I'm too scared," Roy voiced. He didn't need to say what he was scared of, surely Edward would know. Roy was pulled tighter into Edward, and felt the smile on the boy's lips against his cheek.

"That's good." It was then that the embrace was gone, and the room was empty. Roy looked up from his kneeling position on the floor. No sign of Edward.

Roy hated to think about what it would be like without Edward. Yet to think of what his life would entail if Edward _were _here, he hated even more. Too many 'what if' scenarios to clutter his sanity.

Standing up, he slowly made his way to the bedroom up the stairs. Leaving the glass till the next morning - the coming morning. His body felt heavy, moving every limb to the bed. Roy collapsed onto it, breathing in its scent. He could smell Edward. They had shared this bed together and it held Edward's smell. It provided the greatest illusion of all.

While Roy laid in their bed he knew Edward couldn't. And he sobbed thinking about it. They had both been caught in a radical group's attempt at (hid own) assassination. He should have trusted in Edward more, and it only caused him to expose himself to the group. Edward had taken it upon himself to protect him. His lover was buried into the ground - just for protecting him. Roy was sure Edward wouldn't have wanted it any other way, if it couldn't be peacefully.

Roy would keep everything Edward had left here. He needed something tangible to be here. For now, it would be enough to keep Edward when he hadn't done so as closely as before.


End file.
